Journal #30: expectations

     I realized something about myself while talking to my roommate last night. I do not make expectations for anything because I do not handle the disappointment well if things don't go how I wish they would. I have experienced disappointment from built up expectations a few times in my life and after I realized that I never wanted to make myself feel that way, I stopped making expectations in my mind. Thus, I have noticed that when people ask me questions about Ghana and things I am going to experience or what my every day will be like or what I am going to eat, what I am going to wear, what the family will be like that I am staying with, how I am going to exercise, etc...I usually just answer with "I don't know". For awhile I was trying to figure out the answer to all these questions but then I realized that it will be impossible to really know until I just experience it myself and I don't want to build up any expectations whether they be positive or negative because that way i will not allow myself any disappointment. I have been really freaking out about my project as of late, which I assume is only natural because of the fact that I am stepping on a plane to Ghana exactly one month from tomorrow. Is that real life because it sure doesn't seem like it! With all the editing and proofreading of other people's project proposals as well as the constant revisions I do on my own, I can't help but feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I don't know if my methods are going to work. I don't know if I am going to have to change my project once I get into the field. I don't know if I am going to find the things I am seeking...but the good thing is (or I guess it could technically be a bad thing) that I have not made any expectations either way. I am going to go to Ghana and get to work. That I do know.
     Yesterday Cassie (one of the other girls going to the field with me) and I met with my faculty mentor, Sheila Bibb. She is such a great teacher and role model and I have really enjoyed working with her over the past 2 years. We chatted for 2 hours about Ghana, about everything. She told us so many things that we probably would not have thought about had she not given us the information so I am very grateful for her knowledge and insights. One thing in particular which we discussed a lot was the work that we will be doing in the field for our class credits and such. Since I am earning 9 credits in the field, I feel like I am going to be forced to run around in my underwonders... okay I just dozed off while typing and when i woke up I had typed the bolded text. I don't know where it came from, maybe I was dreaming but it is too funny to erase! Maybe that just shows how I am truly feeling about this. Maybe I feel like I am going to be running around with no idea what I am doing even though I know I am much more prepared than I sometimes feel. But back to my coursework, with those 9 credits I will be doing cultural activities, write-ups about methods what I am learning about my methods, readings about methods and ethnographic skills and so on. I am very grateful for these assignments because it will give me direction while I am out there and in times when I just don't know what to do with myself, I will be able to sit down and look at something structured which will be refreshing at times I'm sure. The closer it gets and the more I think about it, the more I feel like I should be doing interviews in addition to my pure observation and participant observation of the doctor-patient interactions. Of course there will be many informal (informal not in the methodological sense of the word) conversations from which I can glean information but Im starting to wonder if that will be enough. Problem is that my final project proposal is due in 2 days and I don't have much time to completely revise my methods so maybe that revision will just come in Ghana when I figure out what really works and what I feel is going to yield the best results. How can one even know these things? Especially if they have never done them before? Talking with a few of my colleagues at work today, they mentioned that I am so brave for doing this and they don't think that they could do it. For me, I don't think it is brave, but then again maybe I have seen too many war movies.

      What is bravery anyway? Am I brave for going to Africa to have this incredible adventure where I will learn and grow immensely academically, spiritually, personally, physically (well I might actually shrink rather than grow in that aspect) but going to do something that is benefiting me and my education and lifetime experiences doesn't seem so brave. Sometimes when people ask me why I am going to Ghana and say oh are you doing one of those mission trips I say no, I am going to go do research and then they just look at me and say 'ohhhhhhhhh, research for what?'. I proceed to tell them and the more and more I say it, the more I just hope that I am doing something brave because as of now, I don't see anything brave about it. In retrospect it is not that long, its not like I am going to save the world, and its not like I am going to do some amazing work. Of course I want my research to be relevant in the medical and anthropological communities and I want my findings to be worthy of publishing, but there I go back to my lack of expectations thing; I just have not made any because I don't want to disappoint myself if it doesn't go as well as I would have hoped. Yes I have future plans and yes I make goals but those are things that I feel like I have control over. I can control whether or not I work hard to fulfill a goal I set and I can control some things that happen in my future. It is those things that I cannot control that scare me I guess, that is why I don't make those expectations, and why I don't feel brave. But all at the same time I know that everything is going to work out because I am smart. I am going to work hard and I believe in my abilities to carry out this research and to do it well. Its amazing how much you can get to know yourself and your brain by simply turning off all distractions and just sitting down to write.

Journal #29: success

 I feel like I have grown more spiritually this semester than at any time in my life. I was not anticipating this aspect of my preparation for Ghana at all but it has been the most rewarding growth I think I have ever experienced and I feel like it is going to make a world of difference while I am there. Today in class someone mentioned about how our attitudes will greatly affect our experience, especially in how we identify each aspect of our day and that got me thinking about how I will define my days in Ghana, and even more so had me asking myself how do I define my every day? What do I look back on at the end of the day when I am laying in bed? Do I see my life and my accomplishments as a success?

What is success, and how do we achieve it? I think it is different for every human being on this earth and no two people would define it in the same way. Some days for me are successful if I am able to get out of bed in the morning to drag myself to statistics at 9 am with 3 hours of sleep the night before. Others, are full of fulfilling accomplishments and appreciation of the beautiful world we live in. Others are a success simply because I was able to smile at someone and bring a little sunshine to their day. Success is one of the words in our vocabulary which is extremely relative to the beholder of its vision and context. But what does it mean to me?

 Like this quote to the right, I feel like success to me means that I was able to do all the little things that make for a happy and fulfilling life for me. Making my bed, brushing my teeth, praying in the morning, getting ready for school, getting a decent breakfast, finishing my homework, getting everything done at work, learning something new, appreciating God's creations, talking to my family, writing a letter, exercising, reading scriptures, working on my project proposal, learning a new word in Twi, doing well on a test, singing a song, doing the dishes, feeling the sun on my skin, being kind to others, helping out when I was not asked, staying awake in class, writing in my journal, only going on facebook once a day, thinking about others, reading a book, visiting a friend I haven't seen in awhile,

stopping to talk to someone instead of just swiftly saying hello and walking quickly by to my next destination (why am i always in such a hurry to get to the next place anyway?), stopping to look at the sunset, experiencing something new, feeling the spirit, doing well on a test, laughing with my roommates, calling my mom, being proud of my appearance, fulfilling my callings, always moving forward, stumbling upon something serendipitous, feeling joyful nostalgia, eating only healthy foods some days, not being mad at myself for indulging in sweets, feeling completely content with who I am,

  

understanding my role as a woman here on earth, recognizing God's hand in all things, coming home to a clean house, making a new friend, telling my Dad how much I love him, expressing gratitude, dancing, going to the park, marveling at the beauty of this life, learning how to love others, teaching someone something, never taking someone's sunshine away, smiling at pictures of my nephews, gaining insight about something from my sister, laughing at a joke, helping out a friend, helping out a stranger... If I could I would keep that list going forever. For now I will just keep listing the little successes in my mind. I think that every day that we are alive is a success. Heavenly Father gave us bodies and free agency and He trusts us with this amazing power to live. So what are we going to do with it? Are we going to sit on the couch thinking about all the things we should have done that day or are we going to praise His name and recognize the beauty of every single breath, every single step, and every single moment that we experience here on this earth. Every day is a success really and if we just remember that, if I just remember that then I will have such a beautiful experience in the field.


Beyond those successes that I feel every day, I wonder what will feel like a success when it comes to my research. I honestly have no idea and the closer my departure date, the less prepared I feel. I don't know what my typical day will be like. I don't know what I am going to eat, I don't know what I am going to do, I don't know what I am going to wear, I don't even know if my methods and planning for my research are going to work out at all. That is the beauty of this though, I just don't know. I am going into this with zero expectations because I don't even know what to think about most things. I just realized that I have been sitting here thinking about this concept for an hour already...what is it going to be like when I am in the field reflecting upon my day. Will I be happy with the research I was able to do that day? Did I collect data that is conducive to my research question? Did I bring a smile to someone? Did I learn from the Ghanaian people and embrace their culture that day? Was I able to eat the food? Did I stop to thank my Heavenly Father for the opportunity to be there? What kinds of things are going to spell out SUCCESS for me while I am in Ghana? I really don't know. I don't know if my research methods are actually going to produce the results I am seeking. I don't know if I will have valid research to write my senior thesis on at the end of the summer. I don't know how I am going to react to culture shock and a new experience in a new place with hundreds of strangers and no family nearby. I don't know how I am going to cope with my back pain if I have to stand up a lot during my volunteer/research hours at the hospital. I don't even know how I am going to really dive into my research and get it done. But the one thing that I do know is that I am going to "embrace each day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks" -Elder Busche. That will be my success. I am going to have a good experience. I am going to learn about the people in Ghana as a friend, as an anthropologist, as a foreigner, an outsider, a woman, a girl, a human being. I am going to let this experience change me. I am going to MAKE each day a success.

Journal #28: getting closer

     This past week  month has been out of control busy. Most days I don't even know how I manage to take a shower and I have only been to the gym once this whole week which is proof because I love exercising and usually will put off studies to get my endorphins rollin, but lately I have not had that luxury. This happens every semester. You move happily along day after day, you have a set routine and deviating from the plan is usually not an option unless some spontaneous activity presents itself. Any time someone asks you whats new there is usually nothing much to report. Literally college days go like this: wake up too early because you didn't get enough sleep the night before, get ready for school too quickly because you forget to put on a bra...woops...scarf down breakfast as you speed walk to class, try to focus at work and get as much done as possible, go back to class and try to stay awake, go back to work, go home eat a quick meal, then its back to the library or home for some down time with your roommates and a random friend or two. Weekends are the wild card thankfully, anything can happen then but the end of the semester just feels like that. All day, every day you are thinking about your school work, your looming finals, the fact that you are leaving for Ghana in just a month. (i dont know why i switched to third person there) Every time I look at my schedule I think to myself, 'there is no way I can finish all this on time'. But somehow I do. Somehow I make it through each day with a cheery disposition and the knowledge that God loves me, that I can do this, and that this time in my life is to be cherished, not endured.
     With Ghana looming closer with each passing moment, I cannot help but daydream about what my days are going to be like whenever my brain has a moment to think. I think about waking up in a place so foreign to me and praying for strength to get through that day, to be successful in my research, to take every moment and every experience for what it is worth, to never quit, to just keep trying even on those days where I feel like nothing is going right and I forget why I am even there doing research. I think about the challenges that I am going to face. I think about the joys that I am going to feel when I really understand my purpose in that village. I think about the people that I am going to meet and come to love. I think about the hardships that I am going to see. I think about the sorrow and devastation that some people live with every day. I think about how blessed I am to have this opportunity to learn about another culture; to live their lives, to laugh their laughs, and cry their tears. I think about how different this experience will be from anything I have ever encountered...

Journal #27: Communication

     Overwhelmed is the only word I can use to express the way I feel right now. I am overwhelmed. As I just wrote that word I wondered what the word whelm is defined as, it means to be submerged or engulfed. That pretty much sums it up. And to be overwhelmed just magnifies those connotations. It is natural I'm sure to freak out a little bit before one ventures off into the unknown, which this experience sure is. Not one of the girls I am going to Ghana with have been before. We are all just going to be learning as we go. I think I, out of everyone has had the least experience living or vacationing abroad as well. The most I have been out of the United States was for about 7 hours in Ensanada Mexico at the market and in an orphanage. Different experience culturally yes, but not shocking or something that I had to get used to because I knew that I would be back on the cruise ship in a few short hours so it was just a fun little experience. Yes, Ghana will be fun. No, it will not be 'little'.
     Today I have been thinking about communication. It is going to be so important that I learn how to communicate effectively in every form of the word. I will need to learn how to communicate as much is needed in Twi, knowing how to joke and build relationships with people will be especially important for my cultural experience as well as for the success of my project in that the people that I glean information from need to be able to trust me and I can only build that trust if I am able to communicate with them. That goes for English as well, the "pigeon" English that is spoken there will take getting used to. I will need to learn to communicate effectively with my host mother, Doris, and those others in our household because they will be one of my most useful tools in meeting people and building contacts so creating a good relationship with them will be essential. The doctors and care providers that I work with on a daily basis will provide me with the bulk of my information for the purpose of my study alone, but they can also teach me a lot about the culture and Ghanaian health care. Of course there are many more people with whom effective communication will be essential but as far as the aforementioned go, I want to work on learning how to better communicate with them.

     Getting people to know how to effectively communicate back with me is another challenge that I will be needing to face. For my informants to understand myself as a person, and my purpose for being in Ghana, studying their culture and health care, I need to be aware of their needs as well as my own. It is just as important that they understand me because then they will be more willing to give me information that will be beneficial to my study. This is all in the informal sense because interviews are not a part of my methods,which I may find is detrimental,but I imagine that I will receive more than enough information for my study from my participant observations of those doctor-patient interactions I hope to observe, and if not, I will be flexible.The main point is, communication is key.

Journal #......?

      Well I went snowboarding today with my brothers and roommate and let me tell you it was just BEAUTIFUL! I marvel at the beauty of this earth every time I get the chance but being up in the mountains is especially amazing. I always have such wonderful spiritual experiences while I am there because I feel so close to our Lord and Savior. Please excuse me if this post makes no sense though because I hit a lip and smacked my head on the ground pretty hard today. Was I wearing a helmet? Nope. Bad idea. I have fallen pretty hard before but I have never hit my head so I guess I just didn't think I really needed to wear one. I'm buying one for next time you can bet on that. This instance made me think about being prepared and learning lessons when we make mistakes. Because I was unprepared for the fall I did not have time to react and my head was making contact with the ground before I even realized what was going on. I imagine I will have moments like this in Africa...moments of impact; probably lots of them. Moments that will define the experiences that I have and my attitude towards them along with what I take away from my whole 3 months. These moments of impact will come at times and places that I least expect; but they will be the moments that define so much of who I become. The activities, people and places that I conduct research in, whether it be deliberate or just happenstance will each be so important to my end results and I never want to take any moment for granted. As the days slip away and my departure date draws near I have found myself more confused and frustrated with the lack of preparation time left. I cannot even wrap my head around where all the time went and I do not know how to even come to terms with the fact that I am actually leaving so soon. I was talking to my dad the other day about everything that I have been learning lately and about the reality of leaving so soon. For some reason talking to him was different because I talk to my mom about it almost every day but talking to him about it just made it seem so much more real. He made me realize that it is not just the fact that I am GOING to Ghana, it is that I am LEAVING the United States and so many people I love. In all honesty, 3 months is not a long time. But the fact that I have never really had the opportunity to travel outside of the United States, by myself (without any of my family or best friends), and that I am now going to leave all of them to embark on this journey made me freak out a little bit. My 3 best friends are going on missions, one is already in the MTC, and when I return from Ghana everything will be different. Many of the boys from Freshman year will be home while my best friends, those who have been my family for these past three years will be graduated, married, or on a mission. Everything will be different. I will be coming back to a college experience that is completely new. Not to mention, it will be time to think about and apply to grad schools (though Boston is my #1choice), but mostly it will be time to figure out what to do AFTER I graduate. GRADUATE from college. What? How am I old enough to even be thinking about that. I was talking to my mom today when she had just dropped off my little sister at Middle School. How was 7th grade so long ago? I think that is what scares me the most.
      With that realization, I decided to look at this experience not only as a field study, not only as the experience that will change my life, not only as this African adventure, but as a time to really find myself. I know who I am, I know why I am here, I know why I am doing this field study, I know why I am an anthropologist, I know why I chose Africa, I know that I believe in the Lord's plan for me and this is part of it, I know that I will be safe and that I will be happy, I know that this experience is for me. But what am I going to take from it? Am I going to decide that I want to turn around and go into nursing or public health because of the experiences I have at the hospital, maybe...double major? Am I going to realize that I love living without the comforts of running water, hot showers, snowfall (only for snowboarding of course), a loft with twinkle lights for endless movie watching in the winters, the comfort of knowing that my family is only a 10 hour drive away and a phone call that can be made at any time of day, without the 7 hour time difference...will I fall so in love with Africa and the African people that I will want to return and do more research, will I realize that I do love anthropology as much as I think I do and decide to do ethnographic research and publish my findings for the rest of my life? Maybe. There are so many different outcomes that can be had from this experience. But what is it that I will really learn from it all. That is something that can only be determined months, maybe even years from now. What I do know is that I am prepared for this experience. I am going to immerse myself in Ghanaian culture. I am going to remember all the things I have learned in my anthropology and field study prep courses, and I am going to make this experience one to last a lifetime.

Journal #25: IRB

     Today we had our mock IRB trials. I must say I was much more worried than I should have been. I actually feel really good about my research, about the information that I have, about the way that I have been able to present my ideas, and about my project as a whole. It is way less intimidating than I thought it would be because most of the suggested changes to my project are just minor and for the most part, my feedback was very positive which is a relief. It is so interesting to think about how far I have come from just one year ago though I am very grateful for all the time I have had to develop my ideas and learn about methods and such. I know that the research I plan to do is going to work out fine as long as I work hard and I am not worried about getting approval to do my research because it is a very minimal risk study and I am not working with a vulnerable population.
      While the IRB is a real pain, it is very beneficial because it makes you think about things that you normally would not think about in such detail. I have been thinking a lot lately about what my target research subjects are  after having to be so specific about them and it is cool to think about the type of people that I will be interacting with in Ghana. They are human beings just like those who I have interacted with my whole life but their culture will bring a new aspect to my understanding of humans and I am so excited to explore that. Thinking about actually doing my research is intimidating but at the same time I just think about how many people I will be privileged to meet and I cannot help but be so excited!! The particular people that I observe within their doctor-patient interactions will be according to those who come seeking out treatment at the hospital so they will be those whom I interact with most on a daily basis.

Journal #24: Gatekeeping

     So I have been thinking about my timeline a lot lately in lieu of recent class discussions and have been trying to take a guess about how much time will be spent on what and so forth... I must be honest. I have no idea. One thing that I want to be sure to do though is to identify my gatekeepers early on and build relationships with them that will help to lead me to the right contacts, the right activities, and the right places. The first week at least will be spent solely on getting to know my surroundings and some people that I will be working with. We listened to an interview about an article that was written on a woman who did an anthropological study on polygamists. It was very interesting and freaked me out a little bit because she said that it took her 4 months to really gain the trust and respect of these people she was working with. I don't have four months. I have 3 months to get my entire project done. That really is no time at all so what does that mean for me? Basically it means that I need to be able to focus on what is important at all times. What information should I be gleaning from each observation and each interaction? Where should I be spending my time? Who should I be talking to? etc... a lot of these questions cannot be answered on my own. It will be very important that I find those people within the community that I can trust to lead me to the right places, people, and activities to complete my social situation triangles. It is kind of scary to think about how important every person and every interaction can be, especially because I will be in Ghana for such a limited amount of time to really conduct an anthropological research project. Nonetheless, if gone about the right way I can really gain good insights that can add to a larger theoretical effort within my field and build a background for further research down the road.
     I can only make guesses about who these beneficial people will be but as of now I think that Mama Doris (my host mother) will be extremely beneficial to the entire scope of my research for who she can introduce me to and for the information that she, herself can give me because she works at the hospital so she will be very helpful in getting me acquainted with the hospital and staff quickly. The people that I interact with daily at the hospital will also give me great insights and will provide relationships that I need to get access to certain people or pieces of information. The most important thing to me is not going to be getting the information itself because that will not yield the best results. I need to focus on building relationships and getting that cross-cultural experience. Really becoming part of the community and immersing myself into the community will allow the information to come far more naturally than it would if I was solely interested in the information alone. Building those relationships is going to be something I work really hard to accomplish.

Journal #23: Define--poverty and freedom

 

photos from pinterest

 what is poverty?          what is freedom?

     If only there was a single person in this world who knew the answer to that question. World Bank defines poverty as living on one US dollar per day or less but what does that even measure? It is true that in America, living standards for the "well off" middle class American are even fairly high if compared to a majority of the world but not everyone in this world needs to live the way we do. Who is even to say that our way is the best way like many 'westerners' claim. Many people who read that statement from the World Bank would agree that poverty is interchangeable with the word 'poor' but that is not entirely what it means. Poverty is a socially constructed notion. Because we live in an unequal world, some one had to define the condition for those who do not have as much as another. Of the worlds 20 poorest countries, 18 of them are in Africa but that doesn't mean that they themselves, would view themselves as impoverished in all accounts. Certainly they do not all have iPhones, iPads, fancy cars, Platinum credit cards and the like, but that does not mean that they cannot afford the comforts that they deem necessary for a happy life. 

      Poverty is highly individualized. There can certainly be monetary poverty which is what most people think of when they hear the word but there is also familial and spiritual poverty among others. In class we were asked to define our idea of poverty in our own words and I defined it as this " the lack of all things needed to live a healthy, happy life. (i.e lack of resources, lack of proper nutrients, lack of empowerment...ultimately a lack of control). Someone might look at a tiny village in Korphe where Dr. Greg Mortensen (3 Cups of Tea) built a school and think that they need much more than just the school that he gave him but they have been living for many years on what they have and they are both happy and healthy so he gave them something they were lacking, education. Many people have read book and say that they are now free from ignorance and have an education and I am not discounting education at all, I think it is one of the most valuable things I have, but I am simply trying to suggest that while the idea of poverty is real, it cannot be defined. It is too real to too many different people insomuch that there is no one right answer.  My definition itself deals, in my mind, with the idea of freedom as well. How would one be freed from this poverty? One Ghanaian woman defines freedom itself as this..."Define Freedom – To wake up every day to do what you love" Valerie The ability to wake up every day and do what you love would be a freeing thing. Without constraints to tie you down and the lack of food, the lack of hope, the lack of love, you would have the ability to do anything. I don't know whether or not I can even define these things fully in a way that I can understand myself. Thus is the dichotomy of thought of human beings. Some people upon reading this might agree while others could completely oppose and see my views as narrow minded but that is where the beauty of human beings comes from. Our differing views and thoughts are what makes the world go round.
     "poverty" and "freedom" will both no doubt affect the every day dealings of the people with whom I interact so it is going to be important to keep that in mind and to come to understand how they view the ideas. Similarly it will be interesting to see how my thoughts change while I experience a different life in Ghana.

Journal #22: Ethics

We have been talking about ethics a lot lately and I feel like I am on IRB (institutional review board) overdrive. I have already completed my IRB for my project because I did it in my Ethnographic Skills class for anthropology last semester and while I still need to do some fine tuning I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on the purpose of it. Yes, it takes a very long time to do it well and I felt like Robin in the cartoon about sometimes until I just manned up and completed it. Really thinking about the particular questions made me identify the purpose of my project beyond the scope of just my statement of intent and such. It helps to identify those people that will actually be affected by it and what I think the benefits of doing this research will be. There is of course information I do not have and won't find out until I get into the field but for the most part I feel very good about my project.

Ethics is a very broad yet sensitive topic. It is interesting because I am not really sure who draws the line and how it varies from one person to the next and from one country to the next. Talking about all the different scenarios and discussing what we think we would do in that situation is very thought provoking because it is easy to say what we think we would do but who knows what we would actually do in that situation. The mood of the situation, the relationship between the people I am interacting with and myself, the particular issue being dealt with at the time, the way I feel at that day and in that moment, can all affect the outcome of the situation and I do not know if there is a hard line that can define "right" and "wrong" in ethical dilemmas. There are certainly extremes and most human beings would agree on what is acceptable in those cases but what about all the in between...who gets to decide what the RIGHT thing is for me to decide. It is a very interesting way to think about ethics and what exactly I will be doing in my project. I beg to ask the questions, will I be imposing any harm on the people I observe and interact with? I don't think so but what if some un-forseen circumstance catches me off guard and I am not so sure how to react... what will that circumstance be like. How will my actions manifest the values and standards that I know to be true to my character while honoring and respecting relationships Im building? All I can do is pray every day to be able to interpret those situations and be aware of my surroundings and the situation because I am confident that if I can do that then I will do just great!