I realized something about myself while talking to my roommate last night. I do not make expectations for anything because I do not handle the disappointment well if things don't go how I wish they would. I have experienced disappointment from built up expectations a few times in my life and after I realized that I never wanted to make myself feel that way, I stopped making expectations in my mind. Thus, I have noticed that when people ask me questions about Ghana and things I am going to experience or what my every day will be like or what I am going to eat, what I am going to wear, what the family will be like that I am staying with, how I am going to exercise, etc...I usually just answer with "I don't know". For awhile I was trying to figure out the answer to all these questions but then I realized that it will be impossible to really know until I just experience it myself and I don't want to build up any expectations whether they be positive or negative because that way i will not allow myself any disappointment. I have been really freaking out about my project as of late, which I assume is only natural because of the fact that I am stepping on a plane to Ghana exactly one month from tomorrow. Is that real life because it sure doesn't seem like it! With all the editing and proofreading of other people's project proposals as well as the constant revisions I do on my own, I can't help but feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I don't know if my methods are going to work. I don't know if I am going to have to change my project once I get into the field. I don't know if I am going to find the things I am seeking...but the good thing is (or I guess it could technically be a bad thing) that I have not made any expectations either way. I am going to go to Ghana and get to work. That I do know.
Yesterday Cassie (one of the other girls going to the field with me) and I met with my faculty mentor, Sheila Bibb. She is such a great teacher and role model and I have really enjoyed working with her over the past 2 years. We chatted for 2 hours about Ghana, about everything. She told us so many things that we probably would not have thought about had she not given us the information so I am very grateful for her knowledge and insights. One thing in particular which we discussed a lot was the work that we will be doing in the field for our class credits and such. Since I am earning 9 credits in the field,
I feel like I am going to be forced to run around in my underwonders... okay I just dozed off while typing and when i woke up I had typed the bolded text. I don't know where it came from, maybe I was dreaming but it is too funny to erase! Maybe that just shows how I am truly feeling about this. Maybe I feel like I am going to be running around with no idea what I am doing even though I know I am much more prepared than I sometimes feel. But back to my coursework, with those 9 credits I will be doing cultural activities, write-ups about methods what I am learning about my methods, readings about methods and ethnographic skills and so on. I am very grateful for these assignments because it will give me direction while I am out there and in times when I just don't know what to do with myself, I will be able to sit down and look at something structured which will be refreshing at times I'm sure. The closer it gets and the more I think about it, the more I feel like I should be doing interviews in addition to my pure observation and participant observation of the doctor-patient interactions. Of course there will be many informal (informal not in the methodological sense of the word) conversations from which I can glean information but Im starting to wonder if that will be enough. Problem is that my final project proposal is due in 2 days and I don't have much time to completely revise my methods so maybe that revision will just come in Ghana when I figure out what really works and what I feel is going to yield the best results. How can one even know these things? Especially if they have never done them before? Talking with a few of my colleagues at work today, they mentioned that I am so brave for doing this and they don't think that they could do it. For me, I don't think it is brave, but then again maybe I have seen too many war movies.
What is bravery anyway? Am I brave for going to Africa to have this incredible adventure where I will learn and grow immensely academically, spiritually, personally, physically (well I might actually shrink rather than grow in that aspect) but going to do something that is benefiting me and my education and lifetime experiences doesn't seem so brave. Sometimes when people ask me why I am going to Ghana and say oh are you doing one of those mission trips I say no, I am going to go do research and then they just look at me and say 'ohhhhhhhhh, research for what?'. I proceed to tell them and the more and more I say it, the more I just hope that I am doing something brave because as of now, I don't see anything brave about it. In retrospect it is not that long, its not like I am going to save the world, and its not like I am going to do some amazing work. Of course I want my research to be relevant in the medical and anthropological communities and I want my findings to be worthy of publishing, but there I go back to my lack of expectations thing; I just have not made any because I don't want to disappoint myself if it doesn't go as well as I would have hoped. Yes I have future plans and yes I make goals but those are things that I feel like I have control over. I can control whether or not I work hard to fulfill a goal I set and I can control some things that happen in my future. It is those things that I cannot control that scare me I guess, that is why I don't make those expectations, and why I don't feel brave. But all at the same time I know that everything is going to work out because I am smart. I am going to work hard and I believe in my abilities to carry out this research and to do it well. Its amazing how much you can get to know yourself and your brain by simply turning off all distractions and just sitting down to write.
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