Journal #9: a stand still

Sometimes you just get caught in those ruts. this is one of them. the main reason is, I think, because of STATISTICS. Almost everyone at BYU has to take this class. Now, lets be honest, no matter how much it might be useful to a statistician, I can almost guarantee you I will not be using standard deviations and z-scores later on in life. Analyzing data and coming up with those statistics is, I imagine, much more basic than all these equations I am learning but will most likely forget because of lack of application after this class. I very well may be wrong about that and I know statistics is very useful and it is wonderful to expand my sphere of knowledge to more than just anthropology but it is a real pain. I have signed up for this class every semester since freshman year and every semester i have dropped it. My brain simply does not work with math, especially word problems and such. BUT, I was determined to prove myself wrong and do well on the first exam so I studied for 10 hours straight. literally. That is probably more hours than I have ever put into studying for an exam in one day (pre-finals) because I usually have to work on 10 other assignments and readings as well. When I walked out of that testing center and saw my score drum roll please.......86% I was so unbelievably happy!!! I would have felt even better had my older brother not just gotten a 99% on the test but his mind works different than mine. As a matter of fact, one thing I have noticed through all this gender study is that men and women naturally think very differently. Not just on the day to day but in my experience, men are more mathematically and scientifically minded while women are more english and humanities kind of thing (just a side note). Indeed that is a large generalization but I am supposed to be learning how to make observations and analyze them right? So why am I at a stand still...preparations for Ghana have indeed consumed my life for the past few years, even more so now that the departure date is looming ahead (still undecided mom but it will be between April 28 and May 2). But with all this focus on statistics and trying to get a good grade I realized something that could add an interesting element to the way I think about my study. So why did I study so hard and focus all my energy on statistics for the latter half of the weekend and all day yesterday? Why was I so determined to prove myself wrong and show that I could get a good grade on my statistics exam (86 was pretty awesome to me seeing as many people I've talked to just scraped by with a D+ or C-)? One motivating factor is surely the fact that good grades = scholarships, scholarships= more money to do fun things, buy good food, buy the occasional clothing item, pay utilities and rent without worry of overdrafting, etc...all the things that I take as a luxury in college because I did not realize how much it costs even just to live the day to day. I feel for my parents who had 7 kids to take care of and not just themselves.

        But anyways, the reason I was thinking about all this was because I thought about what factors influence the way men and women act and function in the day to day in Ghana that could affect these doctor-patient relationships that I will be observing throughout my study. Excuse the statistical term but there could be many lurking variables which will affect the outcome of my study and so I was getting worried about how I am actually going to account for everything and come out with a valid, useful study. THEN, as my thoughts turned from anticipation to panic and back to anticipation for the answers, granted this is no multiple choice test, I came to my conclusion. One of the things that I love so much about Anthropology (yes, I also love the store), is the free element of thought. There aren't really set rules that are right or wrong, there are theories yes, and everyone has their own opinion about what is "politically correct" (what does that term MEAN anyway, I am not sure that anyone really knows) or about which school of thought your ideas should be thrown towards but really, this field is open to new ideas. My ideas. There is no formula that has already been discovered which I can either do correctly or incorrectly and if I do it incorrectly I suffer the consequences of a lower grade. I am fully aware that I do not have all the answers nor will I ever. I know that I even tend to make statements that might seem ignorant or insensitive to some because I have not fully grasped the whole cross-cultural life abroad concept yet but can you blame me? I have never experienced anything outside of my comfortable California life outside of spending a few hours at an orphanage in Mexico with a youth group in high school. The point of all this is, gender aside, human beings and the individual human experiences we have, are all so different. Yes, there are certainly similarities but not one person is the same as another on this earth. Statistics may try to group people together in groups and analyze their behaviors with an observational study and yes, I will too. But I am not constrained to these constructs which keep my school of thought inside the box and inside the realm of what others have already come up with and decided is correct. I can come up with my own theories and my own ideas about human beings and the Ghanaian people and why it is the way it is. I of course know that there is some structure to follow and there is a certain line of thought that I should focus attention to but the bottom line is that I can focus on gender in whatever way I want. The thing that I find works for me in the field is going to be what I choose to focus on in my research and my project will be carried out however I see fit to be successful in the field. Nothing new in the sense of project development here...my mind was a little bit consumed by statistics the past few days, but these schools of thought which are developing in my mind are certainly something worth exploring as I continue to tweak and revise my project question.