Just Keep Swimming

Last semester was absolutely NUTS! I can't even begin to remember everything that has happened this year and the countless emotional breakdowns can support that claim. Nonetheless, I made it through with only one B and an especially close A on my research proposal and IRB. I worked on those papers for hours and hours doing research in what it seems like thousands of books and articles (that might be a slight exaggeration) but in the end it all paid off. I just keep telling myself that I can do this. This is not just a step closer to reaching my undergrad. This is a step closer to the rest of my life. All I have to do is keep breathing, keep reading, keep eating, exercising, learning and being happy. I just need to keep swimming so I don't drown in everything.

Why field research?

I just read Babbie's "Qualitative Field Research and Research Design" and learned the answer to why I am seeking learning through Field Research.I've been involved in quantitative research methods and abstract thinking throughout my college experience, but Babbie highlights a point in his writing that makes it evident field work is sometimes the only way you can come to a real answer. He comments "Clearly we could not have discovered the nature and strength of agreements... except through field research... Only going out into life, doing it, and watching what happened gave us an accurate picture."

Human beings can feel empathy for another but it is not until they experience it themselves that they will truly understand. I do not plan to go into the field to prevent poverty, to liberate a people, or to make some huge change for I know that I am just one girl. But i do know that I can learn enough, and touch enough peoples lives, that I will be able to grow stronger and eventually make a change. I will never get an "accurate" picture of these people until I live as they live, speak as they speak, dance and sing as they do, learn how they do, eat how they do, and become as they are. This is one of the reasons why I am choosing to do this. While it is a requirement, I could have chosen a different major and a different path. Instead I chose to venture down this one. With all its bumps, with all its fears (and tears), I have experienced unmeasurable joy. Each day brings something new to experience, something new to look forward to, to be afraid of, to overcome. 

In a few of my strategy sessions with Andrew we talked about hardships and challenges I would be facing and I felt so strange because I couldn't help but smile. I cannot wait to go through all those hardships because I know that when I come through this experience I will be a new person. I love the African people so much and I have never even met them. My project proposal has been approved and while I will be tweaking it this semester in the prep course I have a strong foundation and I will only become more prepared with each passing day. The research that I am doing in Ghana is going to be a major part of my experience there but what I look forward to most is the relationships I will form and the people I will meet. I pray that I can learn Twi to the best of my ability so that I can be blessed to understand those who do not speak English well enough to communicate. I have spent the last 2 days reading about Ghanaian Government, sports, entertainment, even beauty pageants so that I will understand as much about that country as I can.

Step 2

I got an email this morning from Andrew Gessel who is in charge of the Ghana Field Studies and he wants to meet with me to discuss my ideas for my project as well as answer any questions I might have. He is my friend Amanda's brother-in-law so its cool because I already know him. I will be meeting with him next Tuesday and I am excited to start talking and thinking more about what I specifically would like to study in Africa. He has been to Ghana himself as a student and also with other Field Study groups as the facilitator so he knows his stuff. It is exciting to think about finally moving forward! Having goals is such an important part of an education and this is definitely the biggest thing I have ever worked toward. Running a half-marathon was hard but I knew that if I just trained every day and remembered why I was doing it then I could make it through. This adventure in Ghana will be the same way. A completely different level of preparation will be involved and it will be hard along the way and even once I am there but it will be so worth it. The experiences I have will change my life, I do not doubt that I was made for this. It just all feels so right and I get so excited when I think about learning more that will help lead me to accomplish the things that have been laid out for me by the Lord. I can do it and I will work so hard to make this dream a reality. The concept of enduring to the end has been on my mind lately, especially after the backpacking trip with Dad and the boys in Kolob becuase it sure was hard, but I just kept telling myself that if I could just endure to the end I would be so grateful for the experience afterward and I am going to look at this preparation as just that. It is going to be hard in a different way but if I work hard I will reach my goals and make it to the place that I want to be!

Sudan

I just watched a documentary on the Genocide in Darfur, Sudan. It is mind-blowing. After the Holocaust and the Genocide in Rwanda you would think that the world would want to stop these atrocities from happening again and again, but they do happen and they won't stop unless we really make a change. I don't know how to do that but I surely want to try. I just can't believe that a person can have such a disregard for human life as is the case during these apartheid's and issues of ethnic cleansing which result is mass killings.

Women and children are still suffereing everyday because they are victims of mass rape and suffer from AIDS and the horror of the memory of the injustice that was thrust upon them because of their race. The few evil people who influence thousands and turn good people into murderers and thieves make this world seem like such an awful place sometimes. These women and children, these people are the reason why we need to be aware.

A Single Step

How significant is a step; one single step? We can't know what lies ahead in any journey unless we take that first step into the unknown. That first leap of faith is the one thing that determines the success of your journey for one cannot hope to succeed without taking a chance and believing in change. I want to make a change. I want to take that first step into the dark to come out with light and understanding on the other side. The things that I can learn and do in Africa will pave the way for the work that I am to do here on earth. I have a purpose and I am ready to take that first step.

PEACE

peace is a feeling which I really thrive off of. I need it when I am feeling down and when i feel unsettled. I cannot see how many Africans throughout history could have felt same sense of peace with all the madness which surrounded them. "The African knows no peace." -Lord Frederick Lugard, a British imperial officer, subjugator and ruler from Uganda to Nigeria, wrote at the turn of the twentieth century. "One day you may see peace and plenty, well-tilled fields, and children playing in the sun; on the next you may find the corpses of the men, the bodies of the children half burnt in the flames which consumed the village, while the women are captives of the victorious raiders..." (pg. 96 In the Land of Magic Soldiers). I can never finish these books nor can I fully comprehend them because there are so many horrible things that happened and are even still happening during civil wars or genocides and it makes me want to throw up and i cannot continue to read. How can a country be filled with so much division and hatred that it leads its people to do horrible things to one another. I will never understand that. ever. Thank goodness I will be going to Ghana (hopefully) where there is stability and less history of violence and corruption. It is so hard to imagine living in such constant fear...makes me grateful for the life I have been fortunate enough to lead so far. My trials are nothing compared to those many others face and I am so grateful for the peace I have been able to find in my life.

Waiting...

Well for now I am still waiting. Also, the last of my best friends left me for the summer. Everyone has to go do their own thing eventually but I just don't like feeling as if I have no one left to confide in. That really isn't the case, I know that I will make new friends and I do have some very close friends left here, including Chad though he is gone for the next few weeks. I guess that is why I feel somewhat lonely. I am not actually lonely though and I am certainly never alone. Dance camps takes up a lot of my time and even after work I am virtually never home but there are those moments where I just want to be with my family and those very best friends of mine. This Spring/Summer has already started to prepare me for Ghana without even knowing it. Coping with loneliness and homesickness is something that I will really have to overcome in Ghana because at least here, I am a phone call or a skype date away from voices and faces. In Ghana that will not be the case. I am getting a little nervous as I sit here and write this though because my application still just says COMPLETE but that is not what I care to see whenever I look at it. I want to see the word ACCEPTED so I can get rid of my anxiety over the matter. I know that the Lord will guide me wherever I am supposed to go, whenever I am supposed to go so if it is not the time that I am planning I just have to trust that He has a plan for me and knows when I am supposed to go. Even so, it is still very nerve racking. 90 days in a foreign country...I have never even been to the East Coast. The farthest I have been from home was Hawaii but that was with best friends and family, and duh its Hawaii. I am sure I will be equally excited for Africa but it is way different this time. I cannot even imagine how Maddie is feeling because she got the OK to go on her mission in December. That is basically 6 months early. I am already nervous about being away without the comforts of home for 3 months let alone 18. Maybe going to Africa and learning how to help people is my mission in life but who knows. I could very well end up going on one myself. The scary thing is, I could go in less than a year....just 10 months until I turn 21. Granted, I want to go to Africa for my field study first but what if that is not in the plan for me? I would leave on my mission around the same time as the Field Study departs anyway. What if that is in my future? Thinking about all this uncertainty makes me dizzy, it may be because of the lack of food in my body right now but who knows. I am learning to trust in God and understand that everything will work out the way it is supposed to.